As some of you know, I like to have an original format in which to write my thoughts on the season as it progresses. Poems, quotes, and now I have decided to try a play. Bear with me, I am not taking myself seriously at all here. I am merely reporting on some of the happenings of the season as they progress in the form of a play that spoofs pretty much everyone who makes the news. Well that's about it as strange as it sounds so let's give it a try! I present to you, the Miami Dolphins players, coaches, front office and various other NFL people in...
Miami Dolphins 2011 Season – The Play
Written by Dolphin North
Tony Sparano – as Tony Sparano
Chad Henne – as Chad Henne
Channing Crowder – as Channing Crowder
Etc. (you get the idea)
Prologue – After a struggling pair of seasons, the departure of Parcells and the evil Mr. Ross starting to get his fingers in the football side of operations, the fans seem to have turned on Sparano, Henne and the Dolphins franchise. Ross seems to have turned on Sparano and Henne but is all about the fans, their comfort, celebrities and waterslides. Henne seems to have completed the first stage of his Jedi training during the lockout and has been able to ignore the turning of the fans, the franchise and his coach. Sparano is trying to turn over a new leaf and allow pass attempts of greater than the distance of one fist pump squared. We join Sparano in his office…
PART I – THE PRESEASON
ACT I - SCENE 1
Enter Sparano wearing a black robe. He walks to a mirror in his office, looks at himself for a while, then sees Chad Henne enter behind him. He accosts Henne in the mirror without turning to look at him.
Tony: I have been expecting you Chad. Did you think you could sneak up on me just because you have increased your powers?
Henne: No, I can see you in the mirror too. Plus, you called me.
Tony: Ah, yes, I have summoned you to my coaching chamber, that is correct. You are very perceptive for one so young and weak. (Fist pumps)
Henne: Only my arm has gotten weaker the past 3 years, but it’s just from lack of use. Are we going to throw it a little farther this year or what? Does this Daboll guy have a playbook, or just the “etch a sketch” that the last guy used?
Tony: (Fist pumping) Do not speak so boldly young one! Your place here is as tenuous as my own!
Henne: Why are you talking like that?
Tony: Well, I have been looking in the mirror and I wanted to turn over a new leaf. (Fist pumps) Ever since Ross flew across the country looking for a replacement for me I have been thinking I need to work on my image. Do you like it?
Henne: The guys will laugh. Chicks will probably laugh too. What does your wife think?
Tony: She laughs. Should I stop?
Henne: It’s up to you. It’s a little distracting. How about you change the fist pump and only use it on touchdowns?
Tony: I am trying, but ever since I was almost replaced, I seem to have developed a little anxiety or something. Now I’m fist pumping all the time. I fist pump when I eat a good meal. I fist pump when my wife kisses me goodbye on the way to work. I fist pump when I beat a red light at an intersection. I fist pump when I talk and want to emphasize anything. ANYTHING! (Fist pumps)
Henne: All right, well, the guys are used to the pump. Let’s get rid of the cape and the strange talking and how about the new leaf you turn over is letting the offense try some big plays?
Tony: All right kid. I’m totally with you. I believe in you. Just don’t screw it up. Go now. I have to call Ireland and see if we got Orton yet.
Henne: (smiling) Thanks coach! That really helps! (Skips out of the office singing “London Bridge”)
Tony: (Fist pumps) I LOVE that song! Where is London Bridge? That reminds me, we have to cut Channing Crowder. (Fist pumps)
ACT I – SCENE 2
Enter Channing Crowder on the field after practice. He is very sweaty.
Reporter: Mr. Crowder, can we get a few words?
Crowder: A few? I’ll give you all the words you need bro’! Words is what I does bestest. I’m a leader! ‘Sup?
Reporter: Well Mr. Crowder, we were wondering how the team looks so far in camp. There have been changes and you are now one of the vets of the team.
Crowder: Team looks great. I feel great. I remember being green and now I’m one of the old guys you know? But life’s too short. You gotta just live you know what I’m saying? I’m always trying to better my self! I’m smart too! I like books! I’m reading “The Diary Of Ann Frank” right now! It’s all about Hellen Keller! I’m a team leader here! What was the question again? I’m a leader!
Reporter: So do you think the offense can improve?
Crowder: Soon as we get Orton, we gonna fly baby! I’m a leader. Watch me lead. (Starts the “We want Orton!” chant with some fans)
See? Natural born leader! You can’t teach that!
Reporter: Has the team reached an agreement with Orton yet?
Crowder: Hope so! I really want to lead him! I’m a leader!
Reporter: I was wondering about Jake Long’s injury status.
Crowder: Jake’s great! He follows me well! I’m a leader! I can’t wait for him to get back so I can lead him! ‘Cause I’m a leader! (Cell phone rings) “Sec, my shit’s blowin’ up! Hello? What? You can’t fire me! I’m a leader! Forget it, I’m retiring! Wait…no I’m not! I’m starting a comeback! Since they don’t have an award for being the team leader, I’m gonna win me that “Comeback Player Of The Year” thingy that Pennington keeps winning! I’m a leader!